


Heaven is a Place on Earth

by half_sleeping



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-26
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2018-01-10 01:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1153299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/half_sleeping/pseuds/half_sleeping
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the Korean variety show <i>Grandpas Over Flowers</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heaven is a Place on Earth

**Author's Note:**

> [Grandpas Over Flowers](http://www.dramabeans.com/tag/grandpas-over-flowers/) is a show where four acting veterans over 60 years old are sent on a trip with an extremely popular and handsome junior as their luggage boy. It's headed by a notoriously sadistic producer and is a bit like reality tv crossed with a travel show, but also cute and hilarious and with frequent screen captions. You don't need to have watched it in order to understand this fic, but I recommend checking out the recaps anyway.

Setup is easy. They book a private room at the cafe, and Kuroko places the cameras and arranges the chairs himself, going over last-minute notes with the other producers. Weeks of planning has led up to Kuroko’s headlining project.

The first to show, bouncing with excitement and chatting easily with the PDs, is Takao Kazunari, who, along with a successful NBL career in the Storks, has parlayed his effervescent personality and sleek good looks into a series of popular CMs and variety show appearances.

Kise Ryouta walks in next and a carefully composed expression of vacant good-humor breaks into a delighted smile at the sight of a familiar face. “Oh!” says Kise. “You!” Kise Ryouta’s modelling career has taken a backseat to his activities in the BJ league recently, but his fanbase has only grown over the years. Japanese professional basketball is a small world, but even so, it’s rare for them to be gathered together like this.

“Kise-kun,” says Takao, cheerfully. “You up for this too, huh?”

“Hihi,” Kise says. “I saw your episode of that thing! You were pretty funny.”

Kise arranges himself attractively near the closest source of natural light, so that sunlight spangles through the picture windows onto his gleaming head. It’s always a pleasure for a VJ to work with Kise Ryouta, who seems to instinctively understand that even the naturally photogenic need to put in a little work. Kise smiles all around the room indiscriminately, and then busies himself with his phone until they want him.

The next to turn up is Kagami Taiga, a once-teammate of Kise Ryouta’s in the National Team, and likely to be there again when the FIBA World Cup comes around. He greets Kise and Takao politely, but plants himself in a corner and appears to go to sleep. Kagami Taiga looks sleep-deprived, but this nothing new: his manager must have worked long and hard to get him to agree to this at all. Kagami Taiga has featured on eighteen different sexiest man lists since he modeled naked for Nike three years ago. If the mocking has stopped even once since then, Kuroko doesn’t know about it.

“Kagamichii!” says Kise, an entire order of magnitude more delightedly. Kagami eyes him blearily a moment, then gets up, heads for the darkest corner of the room and sits down. “Please tell me this isn’t another modelling thing,” he says.

“It’s not,” says Takao promptly.

“I don’t believe you,” says Kagami, who’s learned the hard way, and never learns anything at all.

“I don’t think it is,” says Kise, for whom life is a modelling thing. “We’re not all here yet, I think.”

Kagami puts his head down on his arms. “Wake me when we start, then,” he says, and falls asleep again almost immediately, which seems unwise, but then again, Kagami doesn’t have much experience with variety. Kise looks at Kagami and his fingers twitch, either to do something terrible to Kagami or fix the terrible things Kagami has already done to his hair. He’s overdue for a haircut.

Takao winks at Kuroko. He’ll be saving that kind of paranoia-inducing antics for later in the show.

The door opens, for the last time.

“Oh,” Murasakibara Atsushi says, instantly making the large room feel overcrowded. His gaze fastens on Kuroko. “Kuro-chin.”

Kagami and Kise jerk upright and stare frantically around the room before noticing that Kuroko has been seated at the head of the table all along, camera in front of him, training it on each of them in turn.

“Kuroko-”

“Kurokochi!”

Takao stifles laughter.

Murasakibara Atsushi has an Instagram account that causes mild riots at snack launches and a habit of being featured in women’s magazines as ‘No 1 Athlete Women Wish Would Be Their Dining Companion’. His sister, a noted lifestyle blogger, frequently credits her baby brother for his culinary choices and dining advice, celebrating his inclusion in the National Team and his tournament wins. It doesn’t hurt that At-kun, as he is popularly known, has several snack food CMs under his belt as well as an endorsement for fruit-flavoured Aquarius. It must be annoying for him, but as Kuroko well knows, there are few lengths Murasakibara-kun will not go to in the pursuit of snacks.

Kuroko stands, and gestures Murasakibara to sit. “Now that we’re all here, let’s begin.”

 

 

The premise is simple enough. Assemble a team of mismatched personalities and film all their actions and interactions, with a side dose of travel special and a huge helping of national pride, starring some of the internationally-renowned basketball stars of the former National Team, who brought Japan closer to the win than they had been in half a century. It helps that of Kuroko’s picks two have flourishing entertainment careers, and two flourishing international careers.

And it also helps, though Kuroko doesn’t say it, surveying his product from his place at the head of the table, that his cast is all fit and handsome young men. Kuroko is certain he will be able to capture their unique charms and showcase their various personalities.

“That sounds really interesting,” says Takao. “Is that why all the cameras, by the way.”

“What cameras?’ says Kagami. “There’s just the one-”

Everyone points to a different one. Kagami sits up very straight and adjusts his shirt.

“Yes,” says Kuroko. “You won’t have to worry about the technical side of it. Your jobs will just be to enjoy yourselves.” And a lot of other things, but Kuroko is saving the hardest sell for later.

“With cameras pointed at us all the time?” says Kagami.

“Yes,” says Kuroko.

“Twenty-four hours?” says Takao.

“It’s a free vacation,” Kuroko points out. “You’ll have a budget, but the way that the money is spent will be up to you.”

“I get to go on a trip with you guys?” says Kise. He sparkles. “That’s great!”

The umaibo moves from one side of Murasakibara’s mouth to the other as he chews on the idea. One of the crew has already put a trash can next to him, presumably to lull Murasakibara into a false sense of security. There won’t be such close personal attention on the trip: they’ll be entirely on their own.

Takao raises a hand.

“Yes, Takao-kun,” says Kuroko.

“Are we the only ones going?” he says, the only one to think about such a thing at all.

“I did mention we hoped there would be a special guest addition,” Kuroko says.

“Someone who knows what the hell they’re doing?” mutters Kagami.

Takao starts playing a drumroll on the table with his palms. After a moment or two of watching, Kise joins in. They sync, and it’s very annoying. Murasakibara’s eyes cross.

“The special guest won’t be here for a while yet,” says Kuroko. “This is the briefing session, and of course at this point you are all perfectly free to back out if you wish.” He pauses. “Though I would be very disappointed in you if you did, especially after all this.”

Takao grins and Kagami snorts and Murasakibara rolls his eyes, but Kise looks like he’s been shot through the heart and bursts out, “Kurokochi, I would never desert you! Never!”

“That’s nice, Kise-kun,” says Kuroko.

“I’m game,” says Takao, and slaps his hands on the table with finality. “It sounds like fun. I haven't been on a vacation since I graduated. I’ve gotta get my passport ready.”

“Your agent assures me it’s been done,” says Kuroko.

Four pairs of eyes turn towards Murasakibara. Murasakibara narrows his eyes for a moment, but if it’ll get him away from the hounding of his agent to _do something_ to earn all those free cases from Calbee, Nestle and Hersey, he’ll be up for anything that doesn’t involve any of his effort. He sighs in defeat.

Three turn to Kagami. (Murasakibara orders another drink, a whipped cream mocha snow ice float.) Kagami gulps. His eyes dart wildly from side to side.

“Where are we going?” says Kagami. He looks ready to bolt at any moment, and since Murasakibara will not lift a finger to stop him and Kise is too far away from the door, Kuroko figures it is best to honest about their destination.

“Hawaii,” says Kuroko.

“Why Hawaii?” says Kagami, though the look of panic lessens and he slumps down in his seat. It would. Kagami’s English has not had any chance to deteriorate, and with access to his American bank accounts, Kagami can flee at any time. He’s very easy to read. Audiences will love Kagami’s forthright style and open moods.

“Because if there wasn’t Japanese food freely available Murasakibara-kun would just turn around and get on the first flight back home,” says Kuroko.

Murasakibara doesn’t blink. He drains his cup, tilts his head and says, “Midochin and Akachin not here?”

Kagami Taiga sits up straight _immediately_. “If they are here, _I_ am getting on the first flight back home,” he says.

“We haven’t left yet, Kagami-kun,” says Kuroko. “In fact we are not leaving until two days from now.”

There's a stupefied silence. 

 

_CUT TO:_

_Four-way split screen. Our stars pack their luggage, frequently wandering off-camera. Big silhouette with a question mark on it fills screen. SPECIAL MYSTERY GUEST it says in huge font. BIG SURPRISE FOR THEM!!!_

 

Kagami arrives at the airport with just one duffle bag and a carry-on, shouldering it competently as he steps out of the car. He’s managed to evade being shadowed by a camera until now, but his face falls when he gets out and the camera, instead of just staff, are waiting for him.

“Did one of your friends drop you off?” says the VJ.

“I called a car,” Kagami says, casually. As expected of a seasoned international traveller, Kagami is used to fending for himself. What he’ll do when there are five of them and the money is dwindling fast will be, as Kuroko expects, an entirely different story.

 

Kise is dropped off by his manager, who goes off to park before she sends him off at the departure gate. He is, if possible, even more coiffed than he was at the first meeting, and comes prepared with hat and sunglasses, though maybe the cameraman following him around is going to be a clue that he's not exactly joe average. He’s bright, happy, and professional.

“I really want the chance to practice my English,” he winks at the camera. “Where’s Kurokochi? Did he send you to pick me up? My sisters made me unpack and repack last night, I’m so exhausted.”

 

Takao’s camera picks up from the backseat of a fairly nice car. A little dancing hula girl sits on the dashboard, which clashes with the otherwise sleek and luxurious interior.

“Come on,” he says to the driver. “I thought you said it was on your way, Shin-chan?”

His driver, a serious-looking bespectacled young man, sighs and adjusts his rearview mirror.

“I only called to check why you wanted me to pick up your mail,” he says. “You never plan ahead. What would you have done if I hadn’t been free to drive you to the airport?”

“I would have taken a cab, but since you were _right there_ ,” says Takao, “and I only found about this two days ago.”

“Your agent called me to find when your passport expires three weeks ago,” his friend says. “How can you _not_ know you’re leaving the country?”

“Variety,” says Takao with a shrug.

His friend snorts expressively. The car is so big that it makes Takao look like a kid in the front seat, but it’s perfectly suited to the oversized driver, who keeps looking at the camera in the mirror. “I can’t believe you’re doing this,” he says. “With _those_ idiots.”

Takao laughs. “I think it’s going to be great,” he says. “I’ll send you lots of pictures, Shin-chan.”

“Does he really need to be filming the whole time?” Shin-chan asks.

“Variety,” they chorus as one. The driver rolls his eyes and focuses on the road.

He drops them off at the airport and Takao and the VJ both wave to him as he drives away.

 

What seems like the entire Murasakibara family turns up to send their youngest son off. Murasakibara has a backpack filled with clothes and a suitcase so big it doesn't even look toy-sized in his giant, giant hands. Even as she checks the locks on his luggage, his sister is telling him to be on the lookout for great food in Hawaii. His brothers smirk openly at the VJs, joking about how they’re sure the crew will take care of their family baby. His nieces and nephews- apparently only four were allowed to come- swarm out and cluster around his ankles crying about how much they’ll miss him while he’s gone away. Murasakibara promises them all to come back safely, and makes a run for it after his brothers have pried them off his shoes. The last he hears of them is a combined kiddy wail to buy them something nice.

 

 _COMMERICIAL BREAK_.

[Nike. Be the Strongest.]

 

“I would like to think of Shin-chan and Sei-chan as here in _spirit_ ,” Takao says. “I think he was sad at being left out, you know.”

They’ve commandeered an airport seating area near their checkout counters and are awaiting- no one seems to know what, exactly. Documents have been checked, contracts have been signed, and Kagami and Murasakibara both are chowing down on mid-morning snacks to carry them through to their second breakfast in about two hours after they’re past the security gate.

“Unfortunately I was not able to engage either of them to accompany us,” says Kuroko, sounding truly regretful, except not at all. “They have no interest in the media, and this _is_ a basketball athlete special. Even the slot of our crew’s medical personnel was rejected by Midorima-kun.”

“Boo Shin-chan,” Takao says, and shakes his fist at the camera. “You could totally have come with us!”

“Do you even meet him nowadays?” says Kagami.

“I see him all the time,” says Takao. “We go to the same gym. He drove me here.”

“On... _purpose_?” says Kagami.

Takao grins. “Sure,” he says, and flashes a victory sign to the camera.

Kise, reminded of the camera, perks out of glassy-eyed fear. “You see, we’re all the same age, and we all played basketball in high school, so we-”

“Kuroko too!” calls Takao, pointing straight at the PD.

“-yeah, Kurokochi too-” says Kise, winking at the camera, “we all know each other pretty well! This should be a fun vacation~☆”

Kuroko gets given the signal, and slips away. As he leave he hears his second-in-command ask the men, “So, what kind of person do you think will be our special guest?”

“Someone else annoying?” says Kagami, only half-joking.

“Someone cool!” says Kise, all smiles as he remembers that Kuroko _promised_ Akashicchi and Midorimachi wouldn’t be turning up.

“Somebody who’s fun,” says Takao, smiling again. If Takao enjoyed himself even a little bit more, it would be too indecent to air before ten o'clock. As it happens, the staff are already getting in tune with him and his ability to direct the flow of a space. It’s a valuable skill which has served him well in his basketball career and will continue to do so if he keeps on in entertainment.

“A basketball player,” says Murasakibara, demonstrating his literal turn of mind and superior logical reasoning.

“Any guesses who?” she follows up.

“Izuki Shun-san,” says Takao promptly. He names a rising comedian with a popular pun webcast. He fits, as far as Kuroko is aware, all the above categories, except the last. Izuki had not continued with basketball after he graduated university, but one day (as Koganei told it) he had risen from his salaried job with a cry of ‘working all day is working away’ and thrown it all in to start doing pun-based comedy full-time.

“Good-morning,” Kuroko greets their mystery guest, who is stocking luggage on his cart. He turns with a start but greets Kuroko with a grin, brightly smiling.

“You didn’t get Tatsuya, did you- I mean, Himuro Tatsuya,” says Kagami. Plays for the Aisin Seahorses. Pin-up prince supreme. Climbing up various sexiest athlete lists, and almost always rumored to be on the verge of signing an overseas contract. Few people are aware that Himuro Tatsuya is neither joking nor boasting when he says that he will only leave the Seahorses for the NBA. Kagami Taiga eagerly awaits that day, and dreads it.

They walk together towards the meeting place. Kuroko chats with the mystery guest. It’s been a while since they’ve met.

Murasakibara’s face curls into a grimace at the thought of Himuro joining them. Then it sours further. “Kiyoshi Teppei?” he says, in a voice of deep loathing. Theirs is a storied rivalry, the two strongest centers, one in the NBL, one in the BJ. Kiyoshi has a habit of telling journalists and bloggers that Murasakibara-kun is one of his basketball inspirations, a wall who will always build itself higher for Kiyoshi. Murasakibara’s sister has been dodging relationship rumors with Kiyoshi Teppei for over six months.

The PD smiles and gestures for Kise to give them his answer. Kise’s eyes bug out of his head at the idea that it could be any of these luminaries, seeing his stress-free vacation drain away, but somehow this only makes him look more attractive. “Ts-Tsugawa Tomoki?” he says.

“Did you just pick the most annoying person you could think of?” says Kagami. "That none of us had already mentioned?" Giggles sound from off-screen.

“Yes,” says Kise. His beautiful mouth twists. “Yes.”

“Anyone else?” says the PD, relentless.

Kuroko and his guest round the corner, visible from the point of view of the cameras, but not the basketball players wracking their brains.

“I dunno,” says Kagami.

“It could be anyone,” says Kise, with awful conviction.

“Maybe it _will_ be Sei-chan or Shin-chan,” says Takao hopefully. For some reason, this thought does not seem to strike him dead to his core with terror. The uplifted expression of unholy glee on his face needs no caption.

Murasakibara sits up, his long legs folding. “Mine-chin?” he says.

“...except him,” says Kagami. “There’s no way it’s him.”

“Aominecchi?” says Kise. “He’s in America, isn’t he?”

“No,” says Murasakibara. He sits up all the way. “He’s here.”

They turn.

“Everyone,” says Kuroko. “I’m sure our special guest needs no introduction.”

“Oh, _hell_ ,” says Aomine Daiki, and turns immediately to walk away.


End file.
